so i haven't updated in a while.
i'm in a good place now, mostly.
seemed to have gotten over most of my body issues.
and oddly enough, i've lost the most weight while not even paying attention to it at all. hah.
funny how things work out.
going to college in the fall. moving out, and getting a place with a friend.
not enjoying being single, but i don't know if a relationship would even be a good idea at this time of my life anyway.
as if i'd even have a choice, though... no one around here for me. hopefully in college.
still sometimes miss my ex a lot, but oh well. nothing i can do..
all in all, life is... mediocre.
i'll take it for now.
so my boyfriend and i broke up a while back.
i think maybe october 24th or 25th?
i don't know.
it hurt bad for quite the while,
but then i realized that maybe i'm better off without him.
i just wished our relationship hadn't dragged on for three useless months,
otherwise i could've possibly been with someone else.
oh well, whatever. it is what it is, i guess.
at least i have time to focus on this novel i'm writing.
it'll probably be the most piece of crap novel ever, but oh well.
i like bob dylan a lot.
my life has been pretty messed up lately.
boyfriend is in alberta for 6 months.
half a year.
nearly three months have gone by.
don't ask me how or when,
because i seem to have missed them all.
but things are slowing down now.
time goes by more slowly,
and i'm left alone more often.
as much as i hated what my life had become,
i can't help but want it back.
i slept easier at night.
i'm a little drunk.
binge today, inclusing alcohol.
not as drunk as i wanted, but fuck it.
i think i'm out.
possibly some more vodka, but i'd like to save that.
i was in my room, listening to music..
wanted to get high, but had nothing.
so i settled for alcohol.
kill me? i think you should.
anyway, nothing but cigarettes tomorrow.
possibly diet coke, too.
though i'm scared i'll be too tempted to buy candy if i go to the store.
maybe i'll go to a different store with people that know me.
i can't let them see that i eat candy.
i'm thinking i should write, but i just can't seem to be bothered.
i had a real good idea for a story, once upon a time..
but now it has floated away, to some unknown land.
i think i'll write tomorrow.
ciagarettes, diet coke, and writing.
all i need. maybe throw in some weed and we'll call it a day.
i've really got to stop smoking cigarettes.
i'm not a smoker by any means, but i've been smoking more lately..
i don't want to.
a pack or two of smoke would be nice.
with a fat sack of weed to even it all out.
graduation is tomorrow. not my graduation, of course. i'm attending, to watch my boyfriend as well as everyone else succeed where i have failed. pretty fun. but afterwards, it is grad party! i'm attending. it should be fun.
grandpa died on tuesday. last tuesday.. june 17th. it was a pretty brutal week. i didn't keep i together very well. but i'm doing better. it just hurts sometimes now. the horns were the worst. he was a war veteran, so they played the horn and gave him his last salute. all the legion members.. they were wearing poppies, so they took them out and put them in this pillow and then sauluted him, one at a time. it was nice. real nice. but it killed me. horn played twice, for quite a while too.
i feel really fat. i was going to purge, but i didn't want to puke out my pill. i'm trying to skip my period for this week. cross your fingers it works. i don't want it for grad/grad party.. and the boyfriend if he decides to come over after grad. he should be attending grad party. he was oing to drive there, but i think that's pretty retarded, as do my parents. they offered he spend the night, and then dad will drive him back tomorrow. my friend that i'm going to the party with is attending prom, so boyfriend and i should have some time alone.. unless he doesn't take me up on the offer and goes home after grad.
he hurt me today. the way that he spoke to me and accussed me of doing things that i didn't. i wanted to cry. in fact, i did cry a little. but only a little.
we only have a short amount of time together before summer starts. i want these days to be good days, not fighting about nothing. i hurt enough as it is, i don't need him making me feel any worse. sure, we talked it over and everything is ok--but not really. it still hurts to think about. it probably always will. i never forget the hurt. ever.
i'm nervous for summer to begin. i don't know how often we will be able to see one another. i need a job, as does he. i don't even know where he will be getting a job. i'm scared he might have to look elsewhere for a job.. which will mean summer and two months after of not seeing him. i can't do that. i can't do that at all. summer is the last time i have with him. i want it to be perfect.
fuck, i don't want to think about this anymore. i don't want to be reminded of fucking europe.
i don't know how i'm going to get this novella done. clearly i screwed myself over. i also have other work on top of this. i think i should just drop out of school now. go through an entire semester only to drop out during the last week of school--i think it's a pretty good plan.
boyfriend is pissing me the fuck off. everything he tells me is complete bullshit. ok, so not everything. but i'm really sick of always going back to the save conversation. i mean, how many fucking times do i have to tell him to actually call me when he tells me he will! or to just do whatever it is that he tells me he's going to do. is it really that difficult? jesus fuck. he's such a fucking douchebag.
oh my. it is june 4th already. thanks journal for reminding me how much i hate life.. right now. and all summer. and september until when my boyfriend returns from fucking europe. i mean, i'd really love for him to be happy and have that wonderful opportunity.. but i hope more than anything that it doesn't work out and he can't go to europe.
i can't be alone.
strange song if i ever did hear one. music? i believe i could make this sound. but it's calming and peaceful, so i allow it to continue to flow through my ears. apparently that was a wise decision, because finally the song has started--it has become music afterall. funny how things will come when you just wait for them. if that's the case, shouldn't i have everything by now? i've been waiting my entire life. maybe i'm just the exception to the rule...
so this novella is going swell. still not even done chapter one. i'll have to do about five chapters a day now. that doesn't seem possible to me, especially considering i would just like to sit around doing nothing at all. but i suppose i have been doing that long enough. i feel fat today. obese, even. i haven't been to the gym in a while. did not even go on he treadmill yesterday or today. maybe i should consider getting sleep every now and then so i would have enough energy to do these things. maybe tomorrow.. if tomorrow ever does come. this day has gone by slow, which is a surprise since i actually did work ALL day. when you actually do something, time seems to fly right on by... and it did at the time, but now looking back i realize just how long this day really was. is it still the same day? amazing how much hours there are in a day. i'm glad i only get to experience the bare minimum during summer. but hopefully not this summer. i want to wake up early in the mornings and jog my little heart out. i also need a fricken job.
i need to get back to my novella now. goddamnit. i don't even have time to write myself back into sanity. fuck my ass.
i just want to go to bed. more than anything i just want to go back to bed and sleep. but i can't, i won't. i need to get this work done...since, you know, it was due yesterday. so instead of wasting any more time, i shall depart and get this crap started/finished.